Can you tell me what you think of my writing?

I am going to kill Damien Silver.

The way he looks at people, the way he walks, even way he breathes screams at everyone 鈥業鈥檓 better than you!鈥? Damien is an insufferable know-it-all, who I can鈥檛 stand, and I have a high threshold for idiots. Killing Damien Silver, the school smart-****, the boy who thinks he鈥檚 superior to the rest of us, the boy who drives anyone who tries to get close to him as far away as they can possibly get from him, appears to be the only option.

It should be easy. It鈥檚 not difficult to find him, and it won鈥檛 be like I will be able to restrain myself. In fact, I think I鈥檝e been rather restrained by waiting a whole five years to do this.



Damien Silver is a whole twenty-seven hours older than me, but yet he manages to gloat about being 鈥榯he older one鈥? Damien Silver is a whole centimetre taller than me but still claims that I鈥檓 鈥榮hort, even for a girl鈥? Damien Silver, whose name just makes you think of the Devil, claims that I am the evil one.

I think you can see the rationality of my thinking.



It鈥檚 not even like I鈥檓 alone. My best friend JK got kicked out of school for threatening him. Well. Not kicked out. Suspended. But Damien told me he was told JK 鈥榳ouldn鈥檛 be at school again鈥? implying expulsion. But JK claims he was told that he could come back after three weeks, and just chose to take the extra week to 鈥榗ool down鈥? This doesn鈥檛 surprise me, JK has a temper. The only thing that surprises me about this whole episode is that it took someone three years to lose their temper with Damien. To years later, Damien still moans about the episode. This is another reason why I want him 鈥榦ut the picture鈥? as my mother would say.



So several people know my 鈥榮cheme鈥? as my friend Alexa says. We have what we call a 鈥榯ask force鈥?and we all have official sounding titles. I鈥檓 president (of course, I came up with the whole scheme), JK is chief conspirator, Alexa is our secrets officer, Christian is treasurer (mostly because he鈥檚 rich and because he wanted a title just for the sake of having a title) and Louisa is our newest recruit, and she is yet to invent her office title. JK suggested her being the biscuit locator, but she wasn鈥檛 a fan. Besides, that鈥檚 Christian鈥檚 job.



We don鈥檛 actually have a plan; we just sit around and ***** about Damien Silver. Alexa, being the genius that she is, claims it promotes contempt more if you use the subject鈥檚 full name. But Damien Bernard James Silver doesn鈥檛 roll off the tongue, and also if you address him like that, he gives you a funny look, as if to say 鈥榟ave you been looking through my personal record?鈥?br>


The answer to that, if you鈥檙e wondering, is yes. Our school has the most incredible way of storing personal records and making them avaliable to teachers, and the story of how JK and I got this information is one worth knowing.

Our school has an online database of all personal records, only avaliable with a teacher鈥檚 password. This would be a good time to explain how our IT classes worked last year. We were given two pieces of coursework to do in a year, not for marking or examining, just to give us something to do for an hour. JK and I did them in a term, leaving the hour free for the rest of the year. Luckily, JK and I had an excellent relationship with our IT teacher, as we gave him all the gossip on a sex video that was making its way through the school. So the teacher allowed us to see our own personal records. There was nothing of intrest on mine, just the usual threats of suspension for being disruptive in classes and failing to do any homework in a month of science lessons. JK鈥檚, for the record, featured several suspensions, all for things other than fighting. So we persuaded the teacher to let us see Damien Silver鈥檚 personal record. This took some begging. Aside from finding out his full name, we also discovered Damien Silver does not have a single blemish on his record.

We find this inhuman. Of course, the page told us several things we already knew, like his address and phone number (which, contrary to popular belief, we are not abusing!), but it also told us he is set to fail German! Of course, our consciences set in at this point, as it proves to us that Damien Silver is at least a little human.



But we forgot that after the next incident.



If you have any ideas or suggestions, could you please let me know.



Thanks in advance!Can you tell me what you think of my writing?
I'm not going to lie and tell you it's fantastic. It has it downfalls and I assume you want to know them.



You captured my attention from the first to third paragraph. After that, I got confused by the layout of the sentences and the sentences themselves. A few sentences later, I grew bored and skimmed the rest of your passage,



Now, ways I think your story passage could be improved--

1) Many sentences were awkward in arrangement and have far too many words.

EX-I am going to kill Damien Silver.

The way he looks at people, the way he walks, even way he breathes screams at everyone 鈥業鈥檓 better than you!鈥? Damien is an insufferable know-it-all, who I can鈥檛 stand, and I have a high threshold for idiots. Killing Damien Silver, the school smart-****, the boy who thinks he鈥檚 superior to the rest of us, the boy who drives anyone who tries to get close to him as far away as they can possibly get from him, appears to be the only option.



It is obvious from the first sentences that the main character despises this Damien fellow.



Now, I feel that this passage would sound better if you organized the ideas better maybe like this.



I am going to kill Damien Silver.



Just the way he breathes screams, "I think I'm better than you!". Just the way he walks makes me shake with fury!



Oh, and the way he examines us, like we're lab rats, makes me want to roar!



But, What can I say about Damien!?



Damien is an insufferable know-it-all, the school smart a**. In fact, I don't think I can stand his _____ any longer and I have a high threshold for idiots.



Ahhhh, Damien thinks he's so superior to the rest of us. He drives anyone trying to get close as far away as possible.



Now, Don't you see that ending his sorry existence is the only way?



You know, add your own spin into your story and try to make the telling as smooth as possible. *****Use wordiness and take out words you don't need.*****



2) Always add flavorful words to add an interest to you story. You don't want to use boring words like sat, frowned..etc. But from the first few paragraphs it seems like you have a decent vocab. =)



3) Always try to improve your work, and reread to find any mistakes. I found a handful of typos.



4) Add emotion to your work. Picture someone you can't stand, and write your feelings about them.



Hope I helped! I'd be interested to read this passage after you went through and revised it a few times. Now, I don't know all that much, I'm only 15, but I think that by following those lines your passage would be greatly improved.Can you tell me what you think of my writing?
mm its interesting. work on it a little more and it will get betterCan you tell me what you think of my writing?
Thats really good - in fact its amazing ! - you sohuld add some similies!